I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
