never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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