I can text with my tongue
found the other keg... it's in the tree
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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