My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
