I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It was confusing and full of hummus
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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