smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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