I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
