I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
