Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
