they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
