Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
