I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
