I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You know, be my cock's hype man.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
