so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
