I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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