you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
