I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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