I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
