I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
