me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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