i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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