It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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