she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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