I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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