did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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