she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
