once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
