pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
