I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
