fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
