Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
