Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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