It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
