I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
