He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
