I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
