Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
