Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
