wakey wakey hands off snakey
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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