I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
