ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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