Pappa wants mamma naked
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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