is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
