Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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