just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
bring money and cleavage
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
