My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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