I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
