Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
