DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
