You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
